The Wandering Chicken

Best Lawsuit Ever

The title of this link does little justice to the sheer awesomeness of the court filing by Jonathon Lee Riches. You could add periods after every word and say it out loud in your best Comic Book Guy voice - Best. Lawsuit. Ever - and you’d still fail and utterly. I’ve read it no less than ten times and am certain it’s a work of genius. Kerouac never wrote a stream of consciousness so pure or all encompassing, so wild and free.

It takes a bit of effort to read as it’s handwritten by an insane person or mad genius (I can’t decide - probably both). But the time you spend deciphering its code will be well worth it. I recommend printing it out and communing with it awhile. You simply can’t take it all in in one sitting. It requires multiple readings and time to digest, some hours to ponder how he can manage to seamlessly include so many defendants and make total non-sequiturs seem so fluid and natural. Please read for yourself before reading the personal highlights below - transcribed verbatim, misspellings and grammar errors included.

[Carmelo Anthony and I] met at a Baltimore YMCA. I committed identity theft to finance his basketball career. I used stolen credit cards to get him GNC vitamins and enimas to flush out his toxins.

Anthony gave me an STD in 2001. Carmelo Anthony worked as a undercover narcotic cop in Baltimore and was snitchin. I told Anthony to stop snitch, Anthony confessed to being a tattle tail.

Carmelo Anthony cheated on his wife LALA with Dwyane Wades ex-wife who gave Anthony fellatio in I-95 traffic. I’m having a Pen Pal relationship with Anthonys wife who confessed she likes white guys.

Anthony wrote me a letter at the Federal medical center in Lexington telling me “Riches, your dead cracker”.

I have a Picture of Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade Snorting cocaine on Kate Moss’ lap and another photo of them having homosexual sex shooting steroids into each other at Barry bonds house. Now they want to murder me.

Mark Cuban stole my credit cards and tried to buy the Texas Rangers w. the money. Mark Cuban Assaulted me serving ice cream at Dairy Queen, Nolan Ryan threw 100 mph Fastballs at my head and he and Robin Ventura Beat me up at the Church of Jesus Christ.

Jerry Buss Accused me of raping him and Kobe Bryant in Boulder at Jon Benet Ramsey’s house.

[Jerry] Reinsdorf solicited sex from me on eharmony.com and Reinsdorf Assaulted me courtside next to Jack Nicholson.

I should point out that the author’s co-plaintiff is Bernie Madoff, who in prison has apparently embraced Islam and now goes by Faisal Shuhzad. Simply a masterpiece.